Some describe five love languages, there are really only three styles blended together as one all directed by emotional needs. This is really simple and will add joy to your lives when you speak lovingly with your beloved, family and friends.
When training new permaculture teachers, we describe three learning styles: seeing, verbal, hands on; AKA visual, auditory, kinesthetic. Love communication comes down to the same three. Let’s dive in and learn how to speak to our beloved.
What is a Learning Style
Simply, a style is the best way you take something in and remember it. We all use a little of each style: visual, auditory, kinesthetic, but we soak it up a lot easier one way or another.
Cooking example, you can read a cookbook, watch a video or cook the dish yourself. All three are useful but if you could only do one, which is easiest way to remember?
Now let’s translate that to love communication…
From your beloved…would you rather get a written “I love you!” note, or hear them say “I love you”, or have them touch your waist as they walk by in the kitchen giving you a kiss?
All three are important but which would you miss the most if you did not receive it? Sometimes looking at things in reverse helps us appreciate them more.
Seeing is believing and actions speak louder than words. What you say is one thing but what you do matters more to your beloved with a visual style. They want to “see” that you love them through actions. There is a broad continuum of what one can do for your beloved from brining flowers, doing what you say you will and devoting quality time.
What needs to be done changes from day to day and through the seasons. Sometimes just being there and listening is important. Other times making the household run and bringing home the veggies is what counts. Love ritual may be spooning before sleep, putting your head in the crook of their neck or more.
Sometimes, we just need to hear, “I love you!”. Once we hear it, we feel better and more secure. Just those three little words can make your day. Making love and hearing “I love you” means so much more.
It also matters how compassionately we communicate to each other. Being present when communicating is important, there are times you have to run, but make up for it when you get home and focus on your beloved. A random text hug during the day is a wonderful “I love you” ping during the day keeping you connected.
Holding hands in the car or touching feet while eating goes a long way. Intimacy is essential to many. For some weekly for others daily expressions of love are important. There are times to be understanding when we are tired or have young kids. If you miss a time being intimate before bed, try to make up for it in the morning or next day, saying, “hey honey I missed you.”
Kinesthetic is touch, hands on, holding, being alive together. It can be as simple as the touch as you walk by, a glance in the eyes or a nuzzle in the ear. Touch keeps you connected and special to one another.
Learn Your Beloved’s Style
It is okay if you two prefer different love language styles. They key is to learn which is your beloved’s favorite and speak it to them. Then be open to receive love in both their’s and your language styles.
There also the matter of how much. Some people are more expressive than others. What might be a small gesture to you may be a big effort from them. You will have to figure this out over time. You can ask for your needs but some times if the relationship is important to you, you have to work together to meet in the middle.
If the love language concept is new to your beloved, read this together. Then over a date, picnic or quiet evening at home, describe each other’s style with romance and a full heart. Give positive reinforcement, “I love it when you do this…it makes me so happy and I feel secure.”
Be patient if you are a giver, your beloved may give back in their own style. It may not be date for date, they may speak back to you by holding your hand and being by your side.
If your love language needs are not being met, schedule a time to talk about what your need is and brainstorm on how to meet it together. Light some candles and praise your beloved on when they have done things for you that brought you joy. Ask what you do that makes them happy.
Motivators: Emotional Needs Stere the Love Conversation
This is the missing link in love language writings. We have to combine our emotional needs with our favorite love language. Emotional needs are generally: connection, security or status. Speaking your partner’s love language without understanding their emotional needs may result in unmet needs. Your beloved may say,
“I like the way you are talking but you are not talking about what is important to me.”
In relationship it is essential to bring your emotional needs and love language together as one. Your love language style is how you communicate. Your emotional needs control who you choose as a mate and how your chart your course together.
When your emotional needs are not being met, you may change the love language or add more emphasis to one style or another. For example, you may need more, showing up or more touch. Be sure to ask for your needs in a compassionate way. Peace and love.