This post is for couples young and old who are experiencing a new relationship. Experienced couples in long-term relationships can see a challenge for what it is and navigate through it. But folks trying a new relationship or who have not dated in a while may need encouragement to push on and see where it goes.
It is not uncommon to feel unsettled, anxiety or confusion even if your newish relationship is right for you. We all go through this, it’s normal. The longer it has been since you dated or have never been married the more common this may be.
When questions arise the trick is to figuring out how big the questions or red flags really are. As adults, we are very good at convincing ourselves that we like or dislike something for any host of reasons. It almost a coping mechanism.
The reality is, while you feel anxiety it is difficult to make anything but a negative decision about your relationship. The key is to not evaluate the relationship while you feel uncertainty. Come back to it in a few days. Go for a walk, go back to your life and forget about it.
If you are uncertain but you feel there is potential, get together a few more times and see how it goes. This means more than once. If there was an immediate attraction, you respect that person, the problem might just be your nerves having someone new in your space. Ask yourself, “How important is what is on your mind, are there other things in a relationship the are more important? Does my partner offer me other wonderful gifts?”
Discuss It or Not?
If the anxiety is you, its been a while or you’re with someone new, maybe its worth not bringing up your anxiety, relax and get together a few more times. It is ok to save your equity to bring things up later when you can be clear and more specific. But when it’s nerves, it is a grey area that maybe you just need to figure out if you want to continue or not before you bring things up.
On the other hand, if it has been a few months and things are starting to look serious, maybe it time to bring things up. Communication is an art and clarity is useful. For example, do you want to talk about “feelings you have” or is it about “something they could change to make you feel more comfortable”?
Everyone has their own personal boundaries that must be respected. That is a given. The lesson to learn for new couples is that once you start intimacy, it may be hard on the other person if you withdraw from it. It can feel like a broken connection. Chemistry is an important thing to maintain if you are fortunate enough to have it.
This discussion could go a lot of different ways. Start slow if you are not ready for intimacy so the other does not feel disconnected if you stop. If chemistry is good but then you pull back, ask yourself if you are ready to be dating. On the other hand, if you genuinely like this person, they are sincere and you feel safe, take some space, get resourced, then consider trying again to see if you feel more comfortable.
Sticking Together Makes a Couple
In so many words is, if you feel there may be merit to your new relationship, give it time and see where it goes. It is hard to find someone we click with. You partner is trying to find someone special too. No relationship is perfect either. Be patient, it might work out just fine.
It’s someone who sticks with you through your ups and downs and vice versa that becomes our life partner BFF. We all go through changes in life. The one to pay attention to is the one who gives you support and space when you need it. Take care of that person, they are special.